My lawn maintenance plan is sanctioned by God!!!

So you may have gotten this forward in your email, but it is too good not to share:

GOD:
St  Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in  the world is going on down there on the planet? What  happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I  started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden  plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand  drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and  flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of  colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St.  FRANCIS:
It's  the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.  They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to  great lengths to kill them and replace them with  grass.

GOD:
Grass?  But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms.  It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites  really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it  green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and  poisoning any other plant that crops up in the  lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST.  FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST.  FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST.  FRANCIS:
No,  Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it  away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST.  FRANCIS:
Yes,  Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST.  FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops  growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to  water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What  nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and  form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST.  FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into  great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!?  What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After  throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something  which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the  mulch.

GOD:
Enough!  I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you  scheduled for us tonight?

ST.  CATHERINE:
'Dumb  and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St.  Francis.