1. When there are four empty tables in plain sight, do not seat yourself in a dirty booth. I don't care if you like booths better, wait for someone to clean it. If we haven't done that yet, there's a reason. If its really busy, no-one but the server who had that table will even notice you are new customers, and even that server might not pay attention if swamped.
2. You think you are helping by tidying your napkin into your empty cup or glass, but you're just irritating me and the dishwasher, one of whom will, have to pick that thing out, and I don't want to touch that.
3. Do not expect me to be grateful that you asked for a plastic cup to spit your snoose in instead of using your beer bottle.
4. I don't want to pick your straws off the floor.
5. Ditto your used toothpicks.
6. The presence of carpet on the floor denotes that this is not a "peanut bar." This is why we have no peanuts. Just popcorn. If you can't keep the popcorn in the little carton, leave it in the popper. You are not Hansel, and you don't want to see me following your popcorn trail.
7. I did not run out of Almond Joy pie to personally annoy you, no matter how satisfying that might be.
8. Other servers are your best friends/worst enemies as customers. They will cut you a lot of slack for understaffing or obvious unpreventable problems, but if you give poor service without a good reason they will let you no in no uncertain terms.
9. You are never obligated to tip for lousy service.
10. It's just as easy and friendly for me to say "Hello, Gentlemen..." or "...Ladies" as it is to say "Hi guys!" but the results are amazingly different.
11. If you are 65 and 325 pounds and ask if you can order off the kids' menu, do you really want me to keep a straight face? (I will, of course, but really, it is over and above the call...)
12. Waitresses really do wait until your mouth is full to ask you how everything is at your table.
13. If you are really swamped and service is slow, at least making eye contact and acknowledging the people who are waiting is usually enough to keep them happy. They don't expect miracles, just a little courtesy.
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